Ho ho ho. Ain't life a bitch? "I'll finish later" became "I'll finish in a week or some". CGRP (My RP substitute) has returned and given me happiness again. It came the second I was about to start writing the second part. ANYWAY...

ROUND 2. FIGHT.

Grand Theft Auto 4: The Lost and Damned.

GTA4 was a monument to gaming. Nobody can deny that its changed gaming in one way or another. The question is: Will its DLC be worth the cash Microsoft forked over for exclusivity? Yes. Is it ass-tounding? Kind of. Is it Wangtastic? OH HELL YEAH.

Exclusives, back in the last generation, didn't mean too much. "Oh. That game is no longer on the console I own. That’s a shame." has become "<Bleep!> YOU <Bleep!>ing <Bleep!>TARDS! MICROSOFT 3<Bleep!>ty/<Bleep!>station 3 SUCKS COMPARED TO XBOX/PLAYSTATION!". In other words, what was once a straight forward acceptance seems to now be a yelling match with no cure. I was a PS2 fanboy, my most cherished game was on the PS2 (Jak 3) and it had a series for everyone. Changing to the 360 (I'm not yet rich enough to afford a PS3) included the abandoning of MANY of the series I grew up with. Ratchet and Clank and Jak 4 (THERES STILL HOPE! JUST SO LITTLE...) are no longer options until I either get the scratch, become an accomplished thief or a combination of the two to get a PS3. My thoughts on this? Mild annoyance at best. For every series I lost, I gain something equal if not more so in quality in the 360. Now, back to GTA4:L&D (Since L&D came out, I've been using & around 150% more).

Microsoft put a staggering 50 Million units of currency into GTA4 DLC, and with L&D, It...may have paid off. Its hard too tell. I don’t play GTA Multiplayer except for the occasional "Lets fly around shooting each other and doing cool crap" with some fine outstanding foreigners, but then its just Party Mode, and none of them have L&D, so if anything I got it JUST for the single player. The story is GTA4 but turn the immigrants into TRUE Redneck bikers and the diamonds into...urr...dramatic irony. A good portion of the game is literally dramatic irony. For those not in the know, dramatic irony is when the audience knows something a character does not that alters them. Example:

Start of a mission, a Biker (I forget his name due to him having the plot relevance of a squirrel in Walkers crisps) tells you he is on his way to a "Russian broad he's fucking behind her dads back". Afterwards, you find out he was killed and the Lost MC (The Biker gang your in) make a few promises to kill the guy that finished old...Guy.

In an early mission of GTA4:Vanilla (I like Vanilla as a 'Original, plain' kind of word), your told to go find whatshisnames daughter, who has been talking around some bikers. You get there, shout at him then make chase, with him shouting "LOST MC FOREVER" or similar. You, as Niko, then kill him and a few other Bikers for good measure.

There’s a good few moments like that. That was the least spoilerish one (Trust me, after that brief mention, it NEVER comes up again). There’s three main examples of it, where you either screw over future-past-Niko or get screwed over by future-past-Niko. The game is relentlessly geared to the people with a keen eye and memory of the first game.

The new weapons are a gem. From the Auto-Pistol to the Grenade Launcher, Rockstar’s got you covered. You even get a shotgun capable of being fired from bike (It's useful!) and an auto-shotgun. The auto-shotgun ranges between crap and brilliant, all depending on how you use it, making it either an irritating itch to a flying-ragdoll propeller.

That’s about it. Some new choices in character creator (For L&D only, sadly) and vehicles (A helicopter that shoots something useful? That EXPLODES?! Might be worth it when everyone else gets it), but its what it says on the box: GTA Expansion. Hell, it could almost be released as a full title if its story had a few more missions.

NEXT!

Fahrenheit

For the people that read this, all 1 of you (Hey. How’s life? Got that 'roblem' sorted out yet? Yes. You.), You'll notice that my first game review of any post is always longest. This will remain true forever.

Fahrenheit is a cinematic action game. Its combat and action sequences are all quick time events and everything else is essentially a Point N' Click puzzle game. It has a story that starts off great before slowly, slowly pissing itself on stage and features two to four nude scenes and an option to buy a lap dance.

Game of the Decade.

...If you have the cash spare, maybe give it a go. If not, I wouldn't bother. The story, which makes most movies and TV shows appear badly written in comparison, SHOULD have died around half way, where it throws in a "APOCALYPSE CULTS ARE CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL AND RADIATION BABIES ARE COOL AS WELL WHY NOT LETS HAVE A RANDOM ROBOT MENACE AS WELL" which spoils the broth. In a game where nearly EVERYTHING is determined by Quick-Time-Events and time trials of 'look for things' to build up emotion, the only way I can see this having happened is the entire game being a test to see what happens when you get writers stuck in a room that is slowly filling with LSD. It truly is that mad.

Well, at least the characters can evoke a few emotions...

Stranglehold!

The ! was ironic. I got this game because I remember spending hours playing the demo. It was BAD. The story is locked up in a hole with no explanation of anything and it had the draw-in powers of a Glue-And-Needle store. I haven’t really given it much of a chance, but that’s all I have so far. I'll give it a go at some point, but it'd take a miracle for it to get the "Max Payne vibe" I kept reading about.

Oh yeah. Max Payne 3 is coming. That made me smile.

Metal Slug 3!

That ! was less ironic. Me and Max, my Swedish lover, played it co-op (Alone, I barely got a single section through before dieing horribly) and it was a constant laugh. It's impossible not to laugh when the joke is one person waiting at the end of the screen patiently while the other is creeping along the floor singing Snake Eater until the screen moves and two large men with...laser...rocket launcher things kill the patient guy only to be stabbed by Snake. In other words: Get it if you have someone to play it with or have spare cash for EXACTLY that or:

Geometry Wars!

Geometry Wars! Its addictive and has educated me about geography. I would have passed so hard if I knew that the rapid-fire laser is the most effective method of taking out Green-Dodgers. It'll do its job and be fun. One day, I'll beat the high score on my friends list. And one day, I'll work out how the hell the "Get 1 Million Points" achievement is possible. At all.

SO YEAH. I have such great fun. Its my birthday soon, so YEAH. More games. See you in a future time!

...

Love, Your Fangarian Writer who is so very up-himself sometimes.